I had an appointment with my doctor today after the LONGEST WEEKEND EVER. I tried to keep busy when I was awake, and get as much sleep as possible. Unfortunately I haven't it to bed before 5 a.m. since Thursday.
(Partly due to anxiety, but mostly because of an eventful get-together where I almost beat up a drunk frat guy, and then a trip to a club with my lovely friend Allison where we befriended the head of security.)
The appointment went well, and my prescription is changed. I'm now on 20 mg of Celexa, and Xanax, as needed.
I hope this works better than the Lexapro. But I am not looking forward to the next few weeks.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Someday I'll be like, "Wow! Look at the stuff I wrote when I was crazy!"
Warning to any parents that may read this blog: Sorry if there are things you don't want to hear. I think the only way that I can talk about these issues at this point is to be completely honest. Nothing hurtful will be said, but I'm going to be open.
So I've been dealing (pretty unsuccessfully) with depression and anxiety since I was fourteen. About two months ago, I decided to medicate for the first time.
(There was this two or three month period when I was 17 that I was medicated but it was NOT by choice and it was not the right medication. That is a story for another day.)
I started out on 10 mg of Lexapro. It's a common drug with pretty minimal side effects. When I started taking it, I was very nauseated for almost the whole two first weeks. It still minimizes my appetite.
After the medicine was really in my system, I did truly start to feel better. I am more motivated, and more able to deal with stress.
But lately, mostly in the past week, I have been unbelievably anxious and angry. Basically not a very fun person to be around AT ALL. I've been worrying about the smallest, most trivial things, and lashing out at people for things that shouldn't even make me think twice.
For instance, a fun story of the all-consuming rage:
I was at my boyfriend's apartment, along with about ten friends, a few nights ago when a song by Rob Zombie came on. (Ok, take a minute to gag because come on, ROB ZOMBIE?!) Instead of asking that the song be changed, I started screaming. It was something along the lines of, "Turn this shit off, motherfucker!" Not acceptable behavior, as I am not a drunk, wife-beating hillbilly. To prove that I really hate Rob Zombie, I gave Jason (my boyfriend) a threatening look, picked up an ashtray full of cigarette butts, and said, "TURN. IT. OFF. NOW." And simultaneously started to tilt the ashtray to indicate that I would soon dump it on the floor. Needless to say, it wasn't changed. I dumped the ashtray. And threw it, a few remotes, and everything else in my reach at him while screaming obscenities. Then I picked up my purse, and left. Let me repeat: NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
Because of this, and many other unexplainable outbursts and feeling thisclose to an anxiety attack at any moment, tomorrow I will call my doctor. Seriously, I will.
But right now, I'm going to do the 15 minute relaxation workout my one and only yoga video, for the second time today. (Because I just yelled at Jason. For opening the door too loudly and scaring me. Although that is commonplace behavior for me, just ask my mom. No one can bust into a room like her. ) And then I will shower because I haven't left this bed for more than a few hours at a time all day. Then I will try my best to be a sane person and be nice to Jason and the dogs. Luckily for them, night time is the right time for my moods. That is the part that throws you and keeps you coming back for more.
So I've been dealing (pretty unsuccessfully) with depression and anxiety since I was fourteen. About two months ago, I decided to medicate for the first time.
(There was this two or three month period when I was 17 that I was medicated but it was NOT by choice and it was not the right medication. That is a story for another day.)
I started out on 10 mg of Lexapro. It's a common drug with pretty minimal side effects. When I started taking it, I was very nauseated for almost the whole two first weeks. It still minimizes my appetite.
After the medicine was really in my system, I did truly start to feel better. I am more motivated, and more able to deal with stress.
But lately, mostly in the past week, I have been unbelievably anxious and angry. Basically not a very fun person to be around AT ALL. I've been worrying about the smallest, most trivial things, and lashing out at people for things that shouldn't even make me think twice.
For instance, a fun story of the all-consuming rage:
I was at my boyfriend's apartment, along with about ten friends, a few nights ago when a song by Rob Zombie came on. (Ok, take a minute to gag because come on, ROB ZOMBIE?!) Instead of asking that the song be changed, I started screaming. It was something along the lines of, "Turn this shit off, motherfucker!" Not acceptable behavior, as I am not a drunk, wife-beating hillbilly. To prove that I really hate Rob Zombie, I gave Jason (my boyfriend) a threatening look, picked up an ashtray full of cigarette butts, and said, "TURN. IT. OFF. NOW." And simultaneously started to tilt the ashtray to indicate that I would soon dump it on the floor. Needless to say, it wasn't changed. I dumped the ashtray. And threw it, a few remotes, and everything else in my reach at him while screaming obscenities. Then I picked up my purse, and left. Let me repeat: NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
Because of this, and many other unexplainable outbursts and feeling thisclose to an anxiety attack at any moment, tomorrow I will call my doctor. Seriously, I will.
But right now, I'm going to do the 15 minute relaxation workout my one and only yoga video, for the second time today. (Because I just yelled at Jason. For opening the door too loudly and scaring me. Although that is commonplace behavior for me, just ask my mom. No one can bust into a room like her. ) And then I will shower because I haven't left this bed for more than a few hours at a time all day. Then I will try my best to be a sane person and be nice to Jason and the dogs. Luckily for them, night time is the right time for my moods. That is the part that throws you and keeps you coming back for more.
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